Testing

I think I'm being tested already. Just yesterday I was so determined to begin to change my ways. Not to shy away or back down when something seemed stressful or tedious or pointless. I wasn't going to let my mind and emotions talk me out of things that I'd like to have and relationships I'd like to build. It's pretty ridiculous that I can read one thing and pretty much rethink my entire existence. I guess this is the first wall I have to fight through. Someone recently said to me that I couldn't change what people are going to do, if they want to have a relationship with you they'll have one. She's a pretty smart lady. It may just be in my head but sometimes it seems as if it's hard to have a relationship if the wrong you've done is still held on to. If I don't address the wrong I've done, am I being selfish? How often should I apologize for it? Are they just waiting for me to fail again like I always do? Shouldn't let them down should I?

I truly believe that ones self is the ultimate enemy. I believe that once you are sound and secure in your own life and mind that it really wont matter quite as much what other people do or say. I believe that with every single ounce of me. I just don't know how to get there, yet.